Secret Santa User Bios
Posted by Saint Onge
Well here they are. It's the moment you've all been idiodically anticipating. The grand unveiling of a bunch of random shit you all put together last minute, just so you could demand your immediate gratification afterwords. Why did I ever have faith in you guys? Why do I even bother?
Oh yeah, because you guys are all ridiculous.
When we work together, we create a pretty nice little place, and these bios really show it. I applaud all your time and effort you put into these, even if it WAS a last minute thing. I really do hope to do more fun things like this in the future.
So! Let's get to it, here they are, completely unedited, in no order.
qowtee by rat_fink
What the lyrics should be:
michael r sucks a lot of dicks 20 dicks a day one of those dicks is my dick but that doesn't make me gay
he sucks like a champ he sucks like a king he sucks in the winter he sucks in the spring but he's doesn't do it all he's not into shizer but when he blows my cock it shoots like a guiser
who would have known this would be the life he leads in high school he had so much promise but now hes the cheapest cock sucker in town 10 bucks to cum thats a promise
michael r smokes crack like a fiend he has nothing to live for in the world he burnt his lips off from all the crack now he can't suck dick no more
Marsbars by Nuonn
I got really bored, I was going to draw Marley as a troll asking dumb questions about…Well I really didn’t think that far ahead. Anyway so instead I will just tell the story of how Marley and I first met.
Marley’s older sister, peter and I were all having passionate non-committal sex when Marley walked in. At first she was shocked but then she just turned to anger that her sister would be so into BDSM. On the spot Marley grew a beard of power (Dr. McNinjaesque, and you thought it only happened in comics). She immediately made us stop and ran to the nearest bridge to become a troll (that one in Rumson next to crazies, yeah it is inhabited by trolls…really…it is…check it out sometime…) as that is the only thing bearded ladies can do other then circus which I hear is pretty decent pay but involves a lot of unpleasantries like having to do donkey shows, and no one wants to see a bearded lady do a donkey show... Anyway it was pretty intimidating and now it is famed that she is the king of all trolls. With her beard of brawn and moustache of might she rules with an iron fist only coming out to put up a façade of living next to me and sending out her troll minions to RFH to impersonate her before the incident. For now the only people that know what she is truly like are the good fellows of RFHRHS dot NET because as all people know when you meet someone over the internet all you ever get is what they are really like.
This is a reference to forum trolling as well incase people don’t get that.
Cupcake by Shindel
The drought had been going on for months now, and for cupcake, that meant one thing – a vast shortage of weed. Ever since her supply had begun to dwindle a month ago, she had been forced to smoke up less and less often, and by now, she was only getting high around once a week. The immense amount of time she was spending completely sober was killing her. She needed to get more. The preparation for her quest was long and tedious, mainly because she was sober for a change. After a while, though, she was ready to begin her adventure. Climbing into her car, she took off for the one place she knew would have plenty of water, and therefore, weed – North Dakota. Less than an hour into her drive, however, she was already encountering problems. In her rush to get to her drugs, she had forgotten that such laws as the speed limit are often enforced, and she soon had a good half dozen cop cars on her tail. She couldn't afford to get pulled over, though; that would waste precious time. So Cupcake did the only other thing she could think of. She prayed to the Gods for help. Thankfully, they Gods were in a good mood that day, and a horde of street vendors pushing various carts of goods straight from the farm or factory rushed the road, intercepting all but one of the cops. Determined not to fail now that things were looking up, Cupcake sped down the highway, dodging cars left and right, until she came upon the Staten Island Ferry. Clearly she had taken a wrong turn somewhere, but she didn't have time to worry about such things. She accelerated straight through the terminal and managed to make the jump onto the boat. The cop, seconds behind her, crashed into the water and probably drowned. Safe for now, Cupcake stowed away onboard the boat, which she discovered was a pirate ship filled with travelers in search of, among other things, a new supply of weed. In a lengthy discussion with the captain, she learned that the boat was headed for Manhattan, where they would drop off a raiding party before sailing up the coast to Maine, where they heard that recent rains had led to a bountiful crop. Cupcake told the captain that she intended to go to North Dakota, where she believed that, given its minute population, there should be endless fields of the plant. The Captain told her that North Dakota was a lie, and she would find nothing there at all, but Cupcake was not discouraged. The Captain agreed to drop her off in Manhattan with the other pirates, and she could make her way to what he insisted was a barren wasteland from there. Unfortunately, city driving was a bit trickier than Cupcake had imagined it would be, and she was forced to leave her car behind and continue her journey on foot. Eventually she was hungry, so she stopped at that ninja restaurant for sustenance. Unfortunately, after eating she discovered that she could not afford her meal, and she was attacked by angry ninjas. Outside of the building, she summoned the other pirates in the area, and a short battle ensued in which several ninjas and pirates were wounded, but in the end, the ninjas fell back. Cupcake thanked the pirates for their help once more, flagged a taxi, and headed towards Centralia, which she had overheard the ninjas talking about and figured must be somehow connected to the weed shortage. Her taxi dropped her off on the outskirts of the town. From there, she walked to the highest point she could see – a smoldering cemetery atop a hill. Up there she looked down on the town and surrounding lands, hoping to see something that would give her a clue as to why it was important to the ninjas. A shadow moved to her right, and she ducked just in time to avoid being beheaded by an angry ninja. Cupcake ran back down the hill, the ninja following her. As she ran the ground became thick and mud-like, slowing her down, and more shadowy figures began to move and join in pursuit. She was certain she was a goner, but then she heard a ninja behind her moan in agony and collapse to the ground. She turned around in time to see a tentacle lash out from beneath the ground and impale another ninja before retracting again. The ninjas began to spread out, and Cupcake collapsed to the ground to avoid being noticed. Another ninja was taken out by the subterranean tentacle and then they noticed their attacker – a Zerg Sunken Colony had taken up residence in the middle of the field she was running through and was attacking the ninjas. As the ninjas regrouped and began to swarm the colony, Cupcake crawled away from the battle. She had almost reached the cover of the derelict buildings, when a Mutalisk soared down and snatched her up and into the air. The Zerg carried her for hours, carrying her over multiple states, until it came to rest atop a Spire somewhere near Lake Michigan. Cupcake had never seen a sleeping Mutalisk before, and it looked so ridiculous she almost forgot she as in grave danger, but she remembered in time to climb down to safety. Cupcake ran towards the water, where she saw what appeared to be the same pirate ship from before. She hailed the ship with one of her lighters, which she had modded since she had no more need for it until she got her hands on some more weed. The ship responded to her hail and docked nearby. When she came on board, she was greeted by the Captain, confirming that it was indeed the same ship from before. He explained to her that there had been too much rain in Maine, and the resulting flooding had ruined the entire crop. He and his crew were now raiding and pillaging the Great Lakes to pass the time until the drought ended, or the lakes dried up and they had to find a new hobby. He tried again to convince Cupcake that there was nothing in North Dakota, but she did not believe him. So after feasting with the crew, she set off, this time armed in case ninjas came after her again. The next few days were uneventful, but by sundown of the third day, Cupcake found herself at the border of North Dakota. At first she couldn't believe her eyes. The Captain had told her that there was nothing in North Dakota, but she hadn't thought he'd meant like this. The state literally didn't exist. The border was a steep cliff that dropped down forever into the bottomless pit that was North Dakota. One thing was certain – there was no weed here. Cupcake was almost ready to cry, but movement in the shadows caught her eye. The ninjas were back. Cupcake pulled out the AK-47 the pirates had left her with and mowed down the first two with a spray of bullets. The remaining ninjas backed off, but she could tell they were still preparing to attack her. A shuriken cut through the air and dented her gun barrel, preventing further use of the weapon. Cupcake backed up until she was against the cliff. With nowhere to go she considered jumping. If the pit was bottomless, the fall wouldn't kill her. Then again, she would eventually die of dehydration after a few days in freefall. Probably not the best way to go. Cupcake needed a miracle. Again. Thankfully, she got one. As the ninjas approached, a rumbling sound came from deep within the bowels of North Dakota. Moments later, a grappling hook flew over the top of cliff and anchored itself in the grass. Several pirates emerged seconds later and opened fire on the ninjas. The ensuing battle woke the burrowed Zerglings in the area, and all three sides became engaged in a heated battle, with Cupcake, once again, right in the middle. The Zerglings did a wonderful job massacring ninjas while the pirates crouched behind several small boulders and shot at anything that looked their way, but a few moments later ninjas began to climb up the rope the pirates had used and assassinated them. The Zerglings were quickly finished off, and the ninjas took Cupcake prisoner, forcing her down the rope and into the heart of North Dakota. The cliff face, Cupcake soon discovered, was covered with structures. The ninjas had built an entire city of houses and walkways anchored onto the side of the cliff, the houses hanging below the walkways like an upside-down city, with tunnels going into it that allowed them to move about the entire region undetected. Cupcake was brought to the largest platform, beneath which hung their capital building. Inside was the King Ninja. Cupcake's interrogation was fairly quick; ninjas have a way of knowing if a person is telling the truth, and once they knew that she was not a pirate, and had come to North Dakota in search of weed and not their hidden city, they decided she would be allowed to live. However, because she knew the location of their city now, she could not be allowed to leave it. That did not fly with Cupcake. She had traveled halfway across the country, fallen in with pirates, and been captured by both ninjas and Zerg, and she still had not gotten a decent high. There was only one thing to do. She would get the hell out of there, by any means necessary. The next morning, after the ninjas had all gone to bed (ninjas are nocturnal), Cupcake made her escape. She had been allowed to roam the city freely, because only ninjas had the skills to climb the cliff and the tunnels were heavily guarded. However, this had given Cupcake the opportunity to learn the locations of various storehouses of weapons and supplies, and once the ninjas were asleep, she quickly stocked up on swords, throwing knives, and rope. She then threw a length of it, with a grappling hook attached, over the top of the cliff much like the pirates had the other day, and climbed to freedom. As she got to the top, however, she heard shouting, and realized that someone had noticed her. She bolted, making as much noise as possible in the hopes of awakening more Zerglings. It seemed that the 'lings had all been exterminated in the earlier battle, however several Hydralisks did emerge from the nearby woods and opened fire on the ninjas. Her pursuers distracted, Cupcake took a quick break to catch her breath and then took off again, heading for the nearest body of water. She found herself by a river a few minutes later, and just as expected, the pirate ship was conveniently located nearby. It had been improved a bit since she had last been onboard, mainly in that it was now covered in cannons and more importantly, it had legs. The behemoth vessel hit the shore and stood up on its six legs, roachlike, and opened fire on the ninjas. They were all killed in moments, and the Captain welcomed Cupcake onboard. Once safely back in the water, the Captain asked Cupcake if she had found what she was looking for, and she informed him of the ninja city in what was otherwise an empty void. The Captain was pleased to hear this and dispatched most of his crew to invade the city. He then invited Cupcake to celebrate with some delicious cake. She followed the Captain into a small, cement chamber within the ship and he promptly exited. Then the fires started. Cupcake wasn't sure what the Captain's logic had been here, but she was pissed. It was really really hot in there. She began to run around in circles, desperately searching for an exit but to no avail. The fires were now roaring, and Cupcake could no longer breathe. She collapsed to the floor in sheer agony. Cupcake awoke in her bed in a state of total confusion. A moment later Ryan came in. "Are you alright?" He asked her. "I think so..." She replied. "Why?" "You were moaning. And not in the good way. You kept saying 'The cake is a lie!'" "Well, it was." "Explain." "I had a real weird dream. There was a drought, and I hadn't had any weed in forever. It sucked." "Cupcake," Ryan said in a surprisingly serious tone. "There is a drought. And you haven't had weed in forever." The realization was too much for Cupcake. After all she had been through looking for weed, even if it had all been inside her head, she could not bear the thought that she still didn't have any. Only one reaction seemed appropriate. She shrieked, at the top of her lungs: "DO NOT WANT!" The End.
tiedyedseraph by Cupcake
Laura Judkis is a female. She has been heard and seen saying such girly things as "Awww" and has publicly admitted to having feelings and even sadness. But looking past the negatives, Laura is generally a good person. She has always planned to grow up, marry a man who would keep her in her place (the kitchen. Or if she's lucky, he just may let her work in the laundry room and/or bedroom.) A life where she doesn't have to think, and in fact should just leave the intelligence (and humor, and planning, and decision making, and money making, and fighting, and pretty much everything) to the Man. But then a freak accident involving a camera, finger paints, a couple dozen throwing knives, and an angry llama occured, and little subservient Laura Judkis was gone. She was swiftly replaced by the cotton candy obsessed Live Journal, and she knew she would never be the same again.
Shindel by tiedyedseraph
With his affinities for hard liquor, makeshift weaponry and small-town hooliganism, William Shindel seems at first to be your run-of-the-mill adolescent weirdo. However, further inspection reveals a far more sinister story. Reminiscent of the steel mills of industrial Pittsburgh and the sound of cutlery on porcelain, unchanging in cadence or tone, Will's voice conjures visions of icy Siberian winters and the vast emptiness of the human heart. If you look closely upon his face, you will observe perfectly regular human features marred by eyes that reveal no emotion, only bleakness to rival a nuclear wasteland. Furthermore, as evidenced by his suspiciously typical Facebook page, Will's skin is impervious to burns, as though to make a mockery of true human flesh.
The evidence stands, and now the question begs to be answered.
Will Shindel: human?
Ian by Saint Onge
Ian, Ian, Ian. When will he ever learn?
This is precisely what I ask myself each and every day before getting out of bed. For you see, Ian is his own man. Ian is a very special speciman, he is a man who takes pride in a good round of Worms Armageddon, but also appreciates things such as football, Dr.Pepper, nearly hairless dogs, and even "rap". But there is a problem with how this all comes together. One can not simply like so many things at once. But Ian is special. He's got this thing. It's kinda like A.D.H.D. but really, it's not.
It's like nothing you've ever seen before.
You see Ian has a rare case of "Multiple Human Syndrome" in which is one body, is literally inhabited by multiple people. So rare that there are, in fact only eight cases ever documented, he is of a rare breed. Oh, and the thing that makes it even crazier, is that all eight people that have it, are Ian Roberts. Literally, all joking aside, he is the ONLY GOD DAMNED PERSON, in THE WORLD that has this.
When Ian was asked for an interview on his condition, he replied "No comment" followed quickly by "STFU NOOB", "Meh", and "IT"S FRIGGIN AWESOMEEEEEE", all, seemingly from the same person. But it wasn't.
Let's take a closer look at the personalities found within this mixture of mankind.
Within his shell, Ian can be broken into the following personalities,
- The Rap Enthusiest
- The "Don't Tase Me", Bro
- The Gamer
- The Assasin
- The Race Car Driver
- The Scientist
- The Heavy
- The Woman-Fearer
- The "In Yo' Face"
- The 5 On His AP CHEM Exam
- The Sweetheart
- The Break Both Arms At The Same Time And Duel Weild Casts
Each and every one of these characters remains completely independant, and yet contained all within his large frame. One never knows who they wil experiance, but one thing can be certain.
This ain't no A.D.H.D.
dylan_abel by qowtee
NOT FOUND
Saint Onge by TxtMssgBrkp
NOT FOUND
TxtMssgBrkp by Marsbars
NOT FOUND
Nuonn by Saint Onge
HE DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. HE DON'T. JUST LOOK AT HIM. HE'S GIVIN YOU THE THUMBS UP. TWO FUCKING THUMBS WAY THE FUCK UP. AND HE PROBABLY JUST SLEPT WITH YOUR SISTER TOO. HOLY SHIT. HOW CAN ONE MAN BE SO BAD ASS? HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT PANSY ASS "MONOTONE" SHIT, OR "MY SKIN IS ACID" SHIT, OR "CARY A NAIL AT ALL TIMES" SHIT BUT HE'LL CERTAINLY PIN YOUR ASS SO BAD YOU'LL WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN PINNED. FUCK! HE'LL OUT DRINK YOU AND THEN FUCK YOU ONCE YOU PASS OUT. BUT NOT IF YOU WOULDN'T APPROVE IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE HE'S TOO NOBLE TO BE INTO RAPE AND SHIT. BUT STILL. IT'D PROBABLY STILL HAPPEN BECAUSE DAMNIT, YOU KNOW YOU APPROVE. HE'S THAT KINDA GUY. DID HE GET YOU A GIFT THIS CHRISTMAS? IF SO, YOU SHOULD START RUNNING OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE IT MEANS HE'S ABOUT TO KILL YOUR ASS DEAD. SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES. RULE NUMBER ONE ABOUT BEING RYAN: HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. RULE NUMBER TWO ABOUT RYAN: ALWAYS PUT YOUR FUCKING THUMBS UP IN PICTURES. RULE NUMBER THREE ABOUT BEING RYAN: BE OPEN TO NEW POSITIVE AND ENRICHING LIFE EXPERIANCES. RULE NUMBER THREE ABOUT BEING RYAN : CONTAIN THE FURY, BUT KNOW WHEN TO LET IT THE FUCK OUT. RULE NUMBER WHATEVER THE FUCK NUMBER THIS IS:
DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
rat_fink by Irob
The mind of the creator, oh what a beautiful one it was, hath breathed life unto many life forms. Armed with but pen and paper, the creator furiously crafted his masterpiece. “Ratfink Azlan I shall name you”. And so it was set in stone. Ratfink Azlan had come to be, and soon his deeds would be known.
Now removed from the womb—the creator’s brain—Ratfink had full control of his thoughts, his interactions, his feelings. Tragic, though, he could not control his destiny. Unbeknownst to the cherubian manifestation of the creator’s glory, the major events of his life had been chronicled and sold en masse to book stores across the world. His story retailed for nine dollars and ninety-five cents of United States currency.
“Thou shalt form Galactic Phantom, and thou shalt spread thy word”. Ratfink received this divine communication at the age of 16. It came without reason, without warning. He knew not the meaning at first, but slowly came to realize the significance. Growing within his heart was the desire to rock. With the money he saved up from his birthday, he bartered at the local bazaar for a Fender Stratocaster. This Stratocaster became Ratfink’s best and only friend. He brought it home from the bazaar, and, possessed by some ethereal force, performed Led Zepplin’s magnum opus, Stairway to Heaven.
Enlisting the aid of fellow villager, André Falicon, Ratfink began to recount his life story through music. Galactic Phantom captivated the minds of the children of the great meadow, especially that of Saint Nicholas of Onge. Ratfink soon formed an alliance with the saint, who became his apprentice.
Nicholas, things are good, yet my sleep is troubled. We are missing something in Galactic Phantom. The apprentice was charged with the duty to figure out that missing piece. And so he searched for two years. On the eve of the fourth day of the second year, Nicholas returned to Rumson.
Master, we are missing drums. We need a drummer—nay, for the only drummer in our village is Clark Hermann, and he is a Gentile. What we need is a drum machine.
The creator, not having foreseen the necessity of a drum machine, placed a steady palm upon his forehead. How could I overlook the inclusion of a drum machine? And so the drum machine was provided to Ratfink.
Ratfink still felt incompleteness with Galactic Phantom, and to further his problems, André was growing old, and unable to play guitar. Galactic Phantom was nearing its days of death. But like the phoenix, so bright and red, born from the ashes was Manburger. Ratfink and his apprentice, Nicholas, joined together, guitars at hand, and spread their message throughout the land of Monmouth.
(Click here to purchase the rest of this text for $9.95)
Mary by dylan_abel
